I did something right

Death came to my door unexpectedly one night.
It knocked and knocked and wanted in so bad.
I thought about it as I sat on the floor leaning against the bed.
Hands burned from passes made over the candle.
Wrists dripping blood from the numerous cuts...
Don't know if I was ready for death.
Surely wasn't dressed for it.
Voices in my head whispering failures and unreachable goals I have set for myself.

Death knocked again.
I called out to it. "I'll be there in a minute!"
Staring at the red on the white carpet,I trace a happy face in the slick life that has come from me.
I look at the bite marks that made mouth shaped circles on my arm.
Thinking of why I didn't feel it at the time I was doing it.
Is this when you know to answer the door and let death in?
When you are so numb to everything?
And what about the gun that sits in the hutch that I stole from my dad's closet?
Will 3 bullets be enough or will I fuck it up and miss again?

Death knocks a bit harder now.
I sit with my hands between my legs feeling tired,and feeling my heavy heart resting upon my ribcage.
I have accomplished nothing in my years of life.
Absolutely fucking nothing.
Nothing for anyone to remember me by.
Nothing that can be carved into my cheap headstone.
Maybe no one will come and mow the grass over where I would lay.
Am I that damn insignificant?

Death begins to pound on my door and the blood pounds in my ears.
I need to make a decision here. One way or the other.
I pick up the scissors near my foot and reach up and cut my hair.
Curls fall down on my shoulders,wisps of light airy parts that belonged to me just a minute ago.

Death calls out to me in a deep droning voice.
"Open the door and let me in."
I say to hold on while I gather my thoughts.

Who would come see me in my final coffin bed?
And what would they say?
Would they TSK TSK..?
Would they say I was at peace now?
What would happen to my precious NIN collection?
Would my father throw it all away?
And what of my friends?
Do I have any real friends?
Would they be sad?
Hmmm..
probably not.

What if I took this scissor and stabbed my eyes out?
Would I still see death,or would I be blind to its blackness?
I look around my room and see nothing I care about.
I look at the glass strewed across the carpet from the window pane
from when I wanted to see if I could fly out the window.
Too bad I am on the first floor and ended up with dirt in my mouth.

Death begins to get agitated now.
After all,wasn't I the one to invite him here?
I see my time is running out.
I know I must make a decision.
Well,I now take a deep breath.
I inhale all that has made me come to this point in my sad life..

Death bellows and kicks the door.
I say I am ready.
Death screams to open the fucking door and let him in..
I stare straight ahead.
I reach down on my right side.
I grab the thick rope there.
I look straight into the mirror on the back of my door.
I yell out to death to come and get me.
I yank the rope with all my might.
The door swings open.
I hear death roar at the same time I pull the rope.
The shotgun swings down from the door.
The trigger is pulled
and I see death in all its glory coming at me.
Perfect aim.
Finally.
I did something right.






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