Hell Inside my Head


Deep down and dark,where no light will shine,my mind is dying,my soul is crying. It's a feeling of hopelessness and decaying intelligence. Breaking down in chunks.

Backing away from society and all it's worthlessness. Nothing remains of the one I used to be. Laughter is absurd unless used in delirium.

No life saving techniques have been turned on inside my head. Letting go is my only option now. There is no more reality or saneness.

There is nothing to hold on to as the waves of depression flow over me. I have been holding on with a finger to the last strands of life itself. Battered beyond recognition.

Bleeding from the eyes as so I can't see anything in this tunnel of darkness. No pill,no doctor,no relief,from what I may have been born with inside my head. Hereditary genetics from those before me who have lived with this pain of not seeing anything hopeful in this short stay on earth.

Wondering how it would feel when the body shuts down and my soul wanders around w/o me. Feeling horrible for those around me that have been tainted by my attitude and personality,yet not horrible enough to just walk away from them.

Not really crying out,yet not really caring anymore as I sit here and think of just 1 happy event in my life.

Hmmm.. nothing. Nothing comes to my diseased mind. Hoping my disease is not heredity for my children to inherit.

Laughing people make me dizzy and ill. How can people be happy in this world of dirt?

I would like to know how they go thru each day with hope. How can they believe in their gods? I have no gods to speak of. I feel abandoned and left to rot in the heaping pile of shit.


Susan December 29th,2004